“Conscious uncoupling?”  Seriously, who gives a flip?  No one.

Guide to New Age can’t state the obvious, so this is the new and improved meme for hipsters.

Apportioned harmonic uncoupling: Separating because you hate your partner’s iTunes playlists.

Ascended visualization: Celebrities who think they’re actually good people because they have 100,000 Twitter followers.

Astral schism: Splitting up even though your horoscope says you won’t.

Bhagavad cheater: A guidebook for justifying extramarital affairs by calling it “open marriage.” (Also known as “out-of-body experiences.”)

Conscience uncoupling: Going out, getting really drunk, making an ass of yourself, then not feeling so bad about it the next day (see also Sheenism).

Deja views: That sinking feeling you get when you announce your breakup online only to have your website crash for two days.

Exoteric disembodied morphism: When you break up because your partner got too fat.

Gnostical teaching: Hiring a tutor for your daughter rather than having nightly fights over seventh grade math homework.

Harmonic channeling: The kids’ realization that hanging out at Dad’s place is more fun.

Primatial animism: What monkeys call it when they break up.

Subconscious convection: When one spouse breaks wind so often in his or her sleep that a spouse has no choice but to consciously uncouple.

Unconsciously coupling: A successful Saturday night drinking binge.

Let the mocking commence!  Gwen is a dumbell.  She thinks being a moviestar is far more difficult than raising children (she has a nanny) or working a desk job.

Advertisements